Two bands- one obsessed with wrestling, the other called Let’s Wrestle. They introduced themselves via email and here are the results. Get ready for a royal rumble!
The Von Erich Family are Baco, Dave Lazer, Dr Robert and Pat Cheddar // Let’s Wrestle are Louis Scase, Wesley Patrick Gonzalez and Mike Lightning
Von Erich Family: Is it wrong that I still like Chris Benoit?
Let’s Wrestle: Yes.
Mike Lightning: I don’t know who he is. You should ask questions about more well-known beings if you’re going to ask about anyone.
Wesley Patrick Gonzalez: Is it wrong I still like Elmo? That is a well known person!
VEF: I’ve listened to your songs. I like them. I like the way your singer sounds a little but asleep when he sings. The ‘sleeper hold’ was used by the million-dollar man Ted Dibiase- he called it the ‘million-dollar dream’. A million dollars is about £500, 000. That’s quite a lot. How many songs have you written together as a band?
Louis Scase: Eight hundred.
WPG: Yes, thats about right.
VEF: I think professional wrestlers are a lot like rock stars. They travel about all the time, take lots of drugs, and all die way before they should. If you could make a band out of wrestlers, who would you have, and what would they play?
ML: Jamaica George- piccolo flute.
LS: Big Daddy on vocals.
WPG: No, Giant Haystacks!
LS: No, Giant Haystacks is drumming.
WPG: Fuck no.
LS: Oh all right, Big Daddy will drum and The Undertaker will be Bez.
VEF: Continuing with the wrestling theme, if they paid you twenty grand, would you let Coca-Cola use one of your songs in an advert?
ML: Yes, I want a pretty girlfriend.
WPG: Yes, that’s what my mother would want.
LS: Yes, I want a dalmatian.
VEF: Kerry Vin Erich lost foot in a motorcycle accident and continued wrestling for a few years with a wooden foot (until he killed himself). What part of your body would you have to lose to make you quit being in a band?
WPG: None. I live for rock and roll.
LS: We would rock even if we were just torsos.
ML: If Def Leppard can do it, so can we.
LW: If you had to think of an advert you see on the Tube that’s advertising something horrendous, i.e. killing children, how would you turn it into a joke most people would chuckle at?
Pat Cheddar: I don’t understand the question.
LW: How was Dustin’s Bar Mitzvah, and why did you leave? I hear he is ill.
Dr Robert: We left ‘cos it was getting stale. All the kids there wanted to talk about was investment banking and Woody Allen films. The girls were all packing junk in the trunk and we got sick of eating schnitzels.
PC: I like Taylor Hawkins.
LW: What size show are you, and what is your favourite shoe style? If you could make shoes out of any material what material would it be )i.e. leather, plastic, tweed)?
Dave Lazer: Baco, nine; Dr Robert, eight; Pat Cheddar, ten; me, five.
Baco: Whatever. What a stupid fucking question.
DL: Stop being such a little bitch and answer the question.
DrR: I don’t like it when you shout.
PC: I hate you, Baco.
DrR: Well done Baco, you’ve made Pat cry.
DL: yeah, good one you fucking cheb.
LW: Have any of you been in a near fatal car crash? Why or why not?
DL: This is true. When we were on tour once the wheel came off our van and it lost control on a bridge in Sheffield- we were nearly dog’s dick, we nearly went off the fucking bridge. We didn’t though.
PC: My favourite bands are Nirvana, the Foo Fighters and Led Zeppelin.
LW: What’s your favourite line on the Underground and why?
B: I’m just glad to be out of the house.
DL: I don’t trust the Tubes. I did a citizen’s arrest on a woman on a Tube with a suspiciously large bag- it turned out to be full videos of Men Behaving Badly. Apparently, she was a bit obsessed with Neil Morrissey. She still got six months, mind, ‘cos they were pirate videos.
PC: I like Men Behaving Badly.
B: Go to bed, cheb.
DrR: Leave him the fuck alone.